Only Ten Years - Chapter 9

Chapter 9

After turning off my phone, my world was unusually quiet. For 27 years, I’d been on the go, never stopping. It was like if I slowed down, the world would leave me behind…

Jane, what are you chasing? I asked myself. A hollow feeling in my chest was the only answer. 

They say that at the end of the world, people who’ve seen the aurora borealis get their wishes granted. After landing in Scandinavia, I checked into an Airbnb.

Liam and I had been here before on a business trip. But we’d had to leave early because of the snow. Lots of others seemed to have the same idea, and it turned out we were all staying at the same place.

Some of them were friends, family, or couples. We all became a temporary sightseeing team. The town didn’t have any high rises. We all became a temporary sightseeing team. The town didn’t have any high rises, just endless snow–capped mountains and fjords.

The sunset painted the mountaintops in hues of orange and pink. A plane took off, its sound echoing across the fjord, sending seagulls scattering.

When the night came, the clouds hid most of the stars. But there was always a solution. Someone suggested chasing the Northern Lights. We rented a van and hired a local guide, a “light hunter,” and embarked on our silly quest.

The car wound its way through the dark, until a soft glow appeared in the distance.

“It’s the lights!” someone shouted.

The swirling colors streaked across the sky, reaching into my soul.

“Why aren’t you making a wish?” someone asked.

I was speechless. I suppose I had had lots of desires before. Like for my mom to care more. Or a future with Liam. But at that moment, I couldn’t even say a word.

“I hope my mom gets better,” a guy next to me said, praying.

I mimicked him, closing my eyes and whispering:

“Then, I wish for my health and that everything I dream of, comes true.”

Around the campfire, the travelers shared their stories. Some wished for a forever love. Others prayed for their loved ones‘ well- being. I’d never felt such peace.

Usually, my mind was only focused on risk assessments. The risks of any situation, the return on investments. Emotionality had always been a luxury for me. Because if I ever fell down, no one would help me up, and more people would kick me while I was down.

Liam had given me the courage to consider areas I’d always avoided. I’d tried to scare him away, telling him all my flaws, my past, all my failures. I wasn’t someone worth his efforts. But he’d always come back, telling me I was enough.

And in the end, he’d broken me, shattered me completely. He’d stabbed me, over and over. So painful, but almost relieving. The snow started to fall and I felt my tears freeze on my face. I stretched out my arms, dancing with the snow, and the comforting fantasy it brought.

It’s alright, Jane. Dark clouds began to roll in. People sighed.

“Well, that sucks. It’s snowing, let’s go back.”

On the drive back, the unexpected happened. The car flipped over several times. Everything was white.

“Avalanche!”

Fear, blame, and self–pity filled the car. I’d often imagined what it would be like to go to an amusement park with my family. I’d have ribbons in my hair, sitting on my dad’s shoulders. I’d drop the act and be like a begging, “Mommy, I want that!”

But in a moment of life or death, I realized. Relationships are always temporary. Whether family, friends, or lovers. Like now, the tension in the car turned to encouragement…

“We’re gonna make it.”

Someone shouted, and we all started kicking at the windows. We’d been strangers only hours ago. Because of the same trip, we were encouraging each other. And after today, we’d go back to our lives, passing each other by.

Once we were rescued, I collapsed on the ground, exhausted. I drew a little sun in the soft snow. A mark that was mine, and mine alone. Everything changes, my mark would be erased.

But I had been there. I had been alive. Love yourself first, and save yourself. I realized, my journey was just beginning.